Not going, going, not going... etc.

Even in the days after the "last Carter gig ever" (my 30th birthday, Brixton, November 2007) there was speculation of more shows to come. The shows in Glasgow and Brixton had been a resounding success and offers were coming in from promoters to extend the Carter reunion fun a little longer. Even when the talk died down, the issue remained very much alive at Carter HQ, and when the band issued the "should we play again?" question to fans on their mailing list and message board, the momentum of the fan base response pushed them into planning two extra gigs for November 2008. During the feedback process I decided that whilst it would be great to go, I didn't really need to go, and couldn't justify it. As I said last year, after the 2007 trip I'd pretty much ticked everything off on my "bucket list".

The 2008 shows were announced for consecutive days in Birmingham and Brixton, and shortly afterwards the support acts were announced. EMF, one of my favourite bands of all time were playing both shows, and Vile Evils (half of Pop Will Eat Iself) and S*M*A*S*H were playing Birmingham and Brixton respectively. This was a bittersweet announcement knowing that I wouldn't be going, because I'd love to see all of those bands live and I was happy for those who would be able to see them, but I believed I would not go. Yet, never say never, as Jim Bob from Carter has since learned...

When Fruitbat toured earlier in the year with his band Abdoujaparov (I was going to say "new" band but a band of 10 years isn't quite new anymore), Fruity and Richy gave a bit of pester-power to the the cause as they gleefully cheered on any remote possibility that one or both of us may be able to make the journey. In April this year, Stephanie, Bennett and myself went to Daydream Island for my brother's wedding and a bit of a holiday. While there Stephanie said she wouldn't be averse to the idea of me going back again this year and the possibility of the trip stayed alive although we didn't really talk about it for a while afterwards. Somewhere along the line we decided that I could go if we could tack a short family holiday to Hong Kong, Singapore (or somewhere, anywhere overseas) onto the return leg from London. This sounded good in theory, but it became quickly obvious, with airfares the way they are that the whole thing would be very expensive. So maybe, maybe not.

In the meantime, time was seriously running out to buy tickets for the Brixton show. I'd been keeping a close eye on ticket sales but according to the Carter website there were now only about 10 more tickets for sale! Yes, no, yes, no.... in the end, we decided to buy a ticket, knowing I could always resell it and still weren't committed to going. Then it was the tickets for Birmingham that were getting low in supply... so again, a ticket was bought, with reselling it on eBay as the fallback plan. Then it was the ticket for the official aftershow in Brixton - the decision this time was a little easier because it was considerably cheaper - but again, I bought one... just in case. By this time the ledger had now switched from a "possibility" to a very real "probability" and I started tentatively organising what I could do, where I could go and how I could start to build an itinerary. I got in touch with a friend from Preston who I'd planned on seeing first time around but couldn't because of his dodgy car, organising accommodation with "Carter friends" in Manchester and lamenting the fact I didn't know anyone in Birmingham I could stay with.

There was a steady gnawing going on in my mind that if it was going to happen, it had to happen now... with flights becoming more expensive because of world oil prices and the need to book other accommodation and cross-England travel early in order to get reasonable rates, it was time to decide. Talking to my friend Lauren about the trip, flights, logistics and such brought it to a head and a discussion with Stephanie was again on the cards.

Another discussion with Stephanie and still no clear direction. It started to become clear that in a way Stephanie was torn too. On one hand she didn't want to stop me doing something I really wanted to do and on the other, it would be the third significant time I'd used annual leave to be away from my family (the other one being a meditation retreat in May '07) and that whilst the decision lay mainly in my hands, I should think about it also in the context of the family. Happy with that suggestion I gave it some thought - consciously and unconsciously, until one afternoon a few days later, I decided I would probably not go. In some ways I began to see that for all the positives (i.e. Carter & E.M.F - together!) there were a lot of things that would be a bit different this time around - and not necesarily different in a good way.

Primarily, the announcement of last year gigs came at a time when I never thought I would see Carter play ever. The only time they played in Melbourne was 6 months or so before I had even heard any of their songs and they split up while I was in my 2nd year at university. Not only that, it would be a real epic pilgrimage of the musical variety (which is quasi-religious in itself) to the heart and essence of Carter and to the heart of my interest in the UK and London. Last time I had quality time with Fruity in the lead up to the Brixton gig and really got to feel what it meant for him as a prelude to the homecoming Brixton show. In 2008 the trip would be a real rush job, trekking tiredly from a gig one night in Birmingham, with my luggage over to somewhere in or near Brixton in readiness for another helter-skelter night of all-night Carter fun.

Prior to the last visit I'd never been to the UK, despite having wanted to since I was a kid... in fact, I'd never been outside Australia so there was a real sense of adventure in that. I was also going to step through the door of actual real English music shops and visit my friend Scott from Scotland who had come to Melbourne and visited us in the previous year as well as staying with Aussie friends Leanne and Greg. This year, I don't have much left saved for music shopping, can't expect anyone to give me spending money for my birthday, would spend a lot of time and money travelling and buying accommodation and I wouldn't be able to justify staying for as long either... I would really be rushing in and rushing out. Long-haul flights and jet-lag... aaaaahhhhhhhh!

As you can probably tell from the endless string of commas in the previous few sentences, it all started to feel a little bit difficult, a little bit costly and not as vitally important as it was last time. I was also a little tired of having the "Yes or No" pendulum hanging over my head and it was starting to be a drain - the whole planning process itself was wearing me down to the point that cancelling it would actually be a rather liberating decision.

From a simple Buddhist perspective, it was so incredibly evident that my craving was the cause of much suffering and unease... and the sooner I could let go of that clinging, the happier I would be. I think now I've let it go, mainly because it's too tiring to hold on. That's not to say I've definitely decided on "No", but I've at least let go of any compulsion to go and I think the final "No" decision will become an evolutionary and natural process. I'll give it a couple of months, sell my tickets on eBay, keep my fingers crossed for a live recording (CD or DVD - take your pick) and send my best wishes to all those lucky people who will be experiencing the wonderful glory of Carter in November. I hope everyone has a fantastic time.